WonderLand

Being constraint  is not something that you gonna be proud about and neither is being binary but i guess living with things is a trait that we have mastered in  7D or to go lower 3D.  Growing up or even when we are grown we had the notion that sharing exposes us to vulnerability, delicacy and pain that we were not/or not ready for but what if we were/are right? I mean how can one take the tale of flawlessness without offloading and how can that be ideal if its a one – two man thing?
Having to deal with my thoughts  is  a task as a person but wanting to have another human process them for me is another. Ever visited a shrink by order? Well, somethings are not voluntary but cut us some  slack.
Processing pain in the 21st Century is one of the outdated joke or rather tale that one cannot get involved in. The normalization of things that are not right has been rampant and  people are okay with brushing things under the rag than address them.  Ever asked yourself out loud why your friend from yesterday is no more 48 hours later? Or even a week, a month or 2 after you saw them?  I suppose you still questioning but trust is the reason and that is on period.
We have laid our hope on people who will not choose us tomorrow. we have given power to love, faith, support and togetherness that never existed. Why? Because we had the hood mentality. How about some self consciousness. Having to go on choices without second guesses will / might save the day but am i to be right each day? Everytime i over think and ask  myself questions but of all questions i cringe to the one, what if am right?
I don’t fancy in being a deal breaker but let me bring it to you. The world will be a better place if we process our feelings the right way. More better if we embrace our flaws and strive to bring change to who we truly are. A tomorrow you want is cemented in a yesterday that you are not. Maybe better, how about you wake up? We owe it to ourselves to make it happen without second and third party opinions.

How you feel is real and how you act is real based on how conscious you are and how far you are willing to go in order for you be reach the peak.  A wasted  potential is a wasted chance and opportunity. Pity parties suck! Get up and get it done thats the mood but then a few tears to let it out won’t harm. Purpose to go an extra mile for YOU!.

#mentalhealthawareness #makethechangeyouwant.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SON

Dear Son,

I hope this finds you well. I honestly don’t know the time that you are reading this but I trust the timing and I am happy that you are reading it.
Growing up a man can be difficult but I want you to know that I am here for you and I will always be. As you come of age you will hear a lot of stereotypes, myths and twisted narrations but all I can tell you is that, filter what you take in and its always okay to ask for clarification and HELP. They will tell you that a man being emotional is weak but am here to overrule that and tell you its okay to be vulnerable regardless.
Society will tell you its wrong to speak out when it hurts just because you are a man but as your mother  I am telling you, depression and  bottling up are never the options. Its a lot that you will hear and experience in regard to your gender but all I have for you is that, you always have a CHOICE. 
Defining masculinity is okay but Son, never raise your hand on a woman. If it gets to the ugly point just walk away, protect your guard and always keep your head high. Love comes and goes but if you find the right one, never shy from showing them what true love and affection is. Always remember, you may have them all, you may want to impress them all but all that matters is the one that you are breaking bread with at the end of the day.
There comes a time when your peers will make it happen, make it rain and what not but Son, don’t be rushed to make decisions. Don’t be manipulated to cutting dirty deals. Its better to come home alive than die in pain, regret and agony. I am not going to give you a map about your life but I want you to have it as you see it. Experience the raw moments of life and make a choice on what works for you. I am wordy but I will cut myself short for now.
You being my Son is a something I am proud of but I promise to raise you in tender and tough love at the same time. I look forward to raising an all round man. A man who is not limited to any dimensions.

Warm Regards,


Mom.❤

Twisted Narrations

Life, love and death.  All in the order we know them or how we got to identify the series that we are living in.  In most cases, we can’t really define what we are living in but each day happens to be a mystery. Yes , i know working to understand life is just but a long shot but what can i say, i want to swing with all my might. Who knows maybe i will get it right. The colors that are reflecting on matters life are dull but you know what, the people we have have shone light to them.  In the sense of lost, we have found sense living. Can that define the many aspects that surround life and its recurring effects? …. for the twists, i will leave it at that.
Love, what do we understand? I supposedly don’t know but my thoughts are grasping numerous ideas. Maybe all my ideas are vague but what do i know? Of the thrills, goosebumps, affection, sense of belonging and what not, we found a home, a shade and hearts that beat for maybe us or others but in the end it resulted to love and the nature of life. Yes i said life. Many a times we will realize we made mistakes. We laid foundations on weak grounds and made decisions on how we felt and also depending on the positions that we were in in life but did that matter in the end? Why did we anyway? … i don’t know either but the knot gets complicated. I want to go on and on but this gets twisted and even more hard to actually figure.
Death, how did we come to this ? A long run we have had in this life but it seems there is a finish line. They lied saying life is for living but question is how long? Again comes the question, why take time to search, commit, and even skip moments , live days in a rush only to be cut short without notice?. Allow me have my doubts but what are we to believe in?  Getting to know what awaits will have us escape our minds, be happier and even have more solid plans but all in all we live by the textbook rules.
With that, the twists will not get any lose but live, love and laugh. Who knows, evolution might reoccur. 😌

Bis demnächst👋🏾

An Open Letter to Generation Z.

Dear You,
I hope this finds you well. It’s has been far too long since you felt proud or good of what you have gathered thus far. I know the stars have not been aligning to your favor and neither is the universe listening to you but am here bearing a ray of hope.
The far you have come is not by any chance taken for granted but rather appreciated. You have been in so many battles to just give up now. Yes, responsibilities are looming from each end, frustrations are flowing in, depression is knocking at your door and the fear of failing is not too far but have you taken a moment?
If all this gets to win your peace and tranquility, you are on the fudge of losing all that you ever possessed. Destiny cannot be rushed. Our dreams cannot come to pass right after we dream of them. Everything takes time, and everything has its season.
Gold is earned through patience, hardwork and maintaining the pace. It’s good to dream, it’s good to be ambitious but how often are you ready to be patient, wait and regroup if things go south? How many times are you going to get up once you fall?
I know we have the pressure of attaining the measures of a standard life. The life we feel like we deserve and all the goodies that the world has to offer but amidst the process, are we kind to ourselves? We should be able to learn of the process, fail, get up, regroup and get back to track as if nothing happened.
We have been absorbed by the coercion to make ends meet without thinking of our mental stability, general health and to taking care of the people around us. We have lost alot in the focus of wanting to make it happen without second thoughts. Basically, our lives are controlled by the urge of success without the appreciation of our daily effort.
We are here today and we can reverse the habit. We will get there eventually but in the mean time, I call upon you to take a moment. Love yourself, love your loved ones and live life as desired because at the end of the day, it’s the good life that motivates us to work hard or fall apart based on the demands and the pressure that it instills in us.
This may sound as a cliché but it’s okay to feel lost, it’s okay to be depressed, it’s okay to fail, it’s okay to be judged, it’s okay to feel like you are not trying as much as you could want to but what is not okay is to digest all this and make an irrational decision. What is not okay is to quit on life and the things that matter the most. It’s gets hard along the way but we still have the MOJO. At least that’s what I know or rather believe. We still have this.
I may not be of much help but I hope you embark on loving yourself unapologetically and making everyday count because we are here for the better days. 🍃
Yours truly,
~ Makana.

What’s worse, Regret or Guilt?

Taking responsibilty has not been a course to many but regretting afterwards has become a major or it already is. Almost always, we beat down ourselves to the point of letting it drain us for the things we didn’t do or we failed to do. Again, one will ask, do i really have a choice? Well, here i am with my two cents as to why you have numerous choices to many things that end up flipping our life bottoms up.
Guilt can lead one to make irrational decisions just because they can’t stomach the roaming thoughts that are screaming the options that one would have explored. Some episodes of guilty come forth from external influence which in the end will trip you to complying to the forces.
After days of sleepless nights and long draining days, we narrow down to no one really cares. Complying to things because of the fear of the aftermath is just but another messed option. Tableling issues as they come forth will prevent the risk of either of the above. Sometimes one will go asking themselves if the reaction or decision they made regarding many things is okay but, do we really have to do that if one deserves it? Well, let haunt and guilt slice you down if the decision you made is motivated by manipulation or malice. I mean?
An option has to be taken end day. Don’t get me wrong but I want to take a side here for once, I’d rather regret for something not done or things left unsaid than feel guilty for the damage I caused. What we say to people, do to people and most importantly how we make them feel goes a long way and it speaks volume of us. We will regret every now and then but guilt cannot be erased or reversed because when damage is done, the dent is permanent.
Don’t be the reason someone slits their wrists because they can’t take anymore pressure or can’t handle their emotions and voices in their heads.
To my choice guilt is worse but if you feel otherwise, change my mind.


PS: life is a balance between pain and pleasure but you can certainly make everyday count. Be kind the 🌎 is enoughly messed up!

Thoughts.

And then i realised procrastinating is real. Well, that took me a while but let the pen bleed, again.


For a while I have left my mind to wander. Have let it navigate all the dimensions that exist in this life. I may think I have exhausted them all but the margin for err is still allowed. Am fond of asking myself questions alot of them actually but allow me to intrude your peace for a little while. As always, I have to ask. What is love or what has love been to you?
In many a times one will label love to be something else. What they crave, something that light’s up their life. That one thing that makes you whole again even when the small pieces in your life can’t get together anymore. That one feeling that will change all the nasty moods, instantly. Can be a person, a place, a hobby, a pet, anything and everything but it has to be something.
Many have confused mutual friendships for love others have taken their obsession as love and others have turned their dark fantasies to be what they love and what they desire love to be. The list is endless. Am not here to define what love is according to your understanding but am here to understand what we all want in the name of love.
Maybe just maybe sin, hatred, anger, self hate, suicide, crimes of passion, stone cold hearted people, bitterness and frustrations began as love or they all began with love. People in this situations have experienced love once in a while. They had all that they called mutual fondness. The feeling of bliss but the world came crumbling down their facescas if they never had what made them feel alive again.
On the brighter side there are those who found love, have lived in it and they know no other language but love. They know all the soft spots, all that it takes to love someone or something and what love entails. Brings me to my question, where are you categorized?
For days you will hear so and so is in love but days later they are divorced. Worse, he or she was killed by their significant other. Some will be out here narrating of their beautiful love stories and we will be staring in awe. I cannot help but wonder how can one thing or a person or a feeling have numerous confusions?
As much as I am looking for answers I want to leave it at this. I may take long to answer this but I would love to know what love really is. Is the hard life ruining it. Are the many secrets and lies drowning it? What is your definition of love.?
Love maybe complicated but it’s a beautiful thing. Before you hop on your lust in the name of love, think about it. Before you define your obsession as love, assess your motives and control your feels. Yeees! The world needs to heal and before YOU partake on loving someone, you should love YOURSELF first. An empty cup cannot pour and a broken soul cannot project wholeness!

PS: the world needs more love and kind people. Strive to spread love and what you think is right for the world to heal. Peace.✌🏾 #AutismAwarenessMonth. 💙

Take a Side.

There are two sides of everything. The good and bad,, bright and dark phases and life has the very same. I could say its symbolized but that is for another day. I am risking a label here but if i get one i suppose am two sided as everything else.
You can really be on the good or bad books of someone. No prediction or anything else but what you do, say, and how you make someone feel will get to allign you to where you belong. Society has since changed how one is to feel based on who they are. I could say being a woman in major cases has been reduced to nothing but i chose the perks and positivity of it all.
Have seen people demean women and go home to them as others are on the rise of supporting and glorifying women. Have seen others stand up for abuse against women and have seen others question of what made you get to that or even justify the deeds. I mean alot happen and the narrative is fast changing but the weight leans to the feminine side. Have seen many women shamed because of how they look and many have succumbed to the pressure but have also seen others rise from the very same negativity. Hurling insults at people and getting them to feel bad about who they are doesn’t make you a good one either but it exposes your flaws to the last end.
Manipulation can be two way, emotional abuse can also be two way but sexual and physical abuse take women to the lowest. The point of having a man spank a random woman down the street or hallway or anywhere still baffles me to date. I mean assume the side is changed and you are receiving the smacks? What will you feel? The idea of roughing up a woman because you disagree doesn’t sit well with me but your masculinity is at 0 if you raise a finger on a woman.
Bright side of it all, there are kind, caring and understanding humans in the course of it all. The you did this wrong, you should not do this to someone or anyone and the what you did deserves punishment type of people. They take the day and being a gentleman doesn’t need the haves and the have nots but the care and support that you can give. Its the bare minimum.
Once the coin is flipped there comes a head or tail but i am stressing on how negativity surpasses positivity and how people have turned out to be. If you do things because they well suit you…your karma is not far away. What others do should not be my business but it sure is if it affects me directly.
How about we focus on making life bearable than ruining it. We have many battles to fight and adding pain, insecurities, fear and anxiety to it doesn’t make it any easier. The world needs healing and more love. Don’t strive to be a vessel of bad vibes. Shade the light and eliminate the looming darkness.

Detached from reality.

When the familiar things in life become strange, then the storm is near. When the only people you had are walking out on you, just know that your era has come to an end. The meaning of life has changed course. If you have one explain of their ideal life, you will be shocked of what they will narrate but maybe, just maybe I am quick to rule out their opinions but out here, reality is no longer a thing.
Society has set a line of what the good life is and what the basic life contains. Reality has had people struggle to make choices and decisions that are worth the process but fantasy is ruining the agenda. Yes, we all deserve better but how can we attain it. We all deserve love and all the marvelous toasts of life but where are we working to get them?
I could say, when the chance comes embrace it but I again could ask, what chance? Peer pressure has had people die because of wanting to attain the goodness of life, lavish life, vibing on the high end places and what have you in careless ways but there are long term chances and short time chances. When the clock tickles your life will just vanish. Well, your expectant needs will be left high and dry. Am not saying this to limit anyone. As they say, we only live once and the freedom to make choices comes from within. Who am I to say otherwise?
Fantasy has money rule the day. It has fame determine who you are regardless of what you do to become famous. To define love you have to start with money. Yes, fat pockets will take you to all the places you want but only when the pocket is yours. In the present, your friends will not associate with a liability. If you don’t have what they have you got to change your circle. I could say unnecessary pressure is a liability to your life goals if at all you have any.
Can we go back to the days where we had our friends stick around no matter the situation. Can we go to the days where love was genuine and money was not the course of life. Can we go to the days where we only lifted and clapped for others until it was our turn to embrace the crown. Can we make this life worthy living. Can we be normal?
I can ask for too much but am done seeing people go down because of the small mistakes that we make out of greed, anger and the urge to dominate. Trust me in reality life is more interesting than in fantasy. I suppose that is boring but can you argue with facts? Whom do you want to celebrate with in your 60s if all your friends die now? Whom do you want to share with your experiences if you are busy burning all the bridges? There is sweetness in having the same people you have walked with marvel at what you all have achieved. Its the small things that make this life beautiful otherwise we will have nothing to tell if we live to see the old days.
They say no man is an island. Therefore, let’s live life as its deserved.

Roller coaster

Could really ask myself more often, is growing up really necessary, i mean being independent, accountable, responsible and what have you…then i assume its but then are the questions without answers necessary  or do i have to ask the gurus to give us some or rather a “mwakenya” on how they did it or even whats keeping them sane and going.
Being grounded to your worries and insecurities can be a major problem but have you experienced the nightmare where all your demons are there with you? I mean they are there, present for the meeting…its a thing that cannot come to an end because as you grow the audience increases and the problem is all their eyes are fixed on you. Dare mess!
Adulthood is like a toxic relationship. You really can’t get out of it and you have to stay committed least you see all your dreams flush down the drain. No matter how hard it gets, you keep moving.
Life can be a hit or a miss and no one has it figured. Its confusing right? I thought so too. They say, enjoy your twenties. Whats there to enjoy? Walking from office to office looking for a job or getting to stomach the frustration that comes from each end. What is it really? The bucket list that you are yet to figure out where to start from or the endless goals that you are yet to achieve. I mean come on!!
Whining much? Maybe.. let me be but give me space to let it out. Well i didn’t mean to do that but here we are. Of life and what it offers i could say much but for today i take a break.
Of all of you who have high expectations on us..take it slow. We can make it happen if we have an easier way  but give us a minute to find a bearing and take it on. The rise can take a while but we got this. Correct us with love and if my lane is not your lane then you got to get off the way. If what we are doing to make ends meet is not your cup of tea, dont sip either. Life has given us enough to worry and stress about but we move regardless.
.
.
#BreastCancerAwareness.

Friends. What do they say?

What did they tell you about friendship? What do you know about friendship? What did society dictate friendship should be? And your peers? What are they saying? ...she is here with the questions again. But i promise one last one. What is your definition of friendship? Well, as i said that is my last but give me an opening. I will get another as time goes by. Supposedly!

Maybe, this is a song that you always skip or you have skipped before but allow me bang your stereos one more time. I wanna scream so hard but i promise your ear drums will be functional thereafter. Not so sure about that but like i have said, i promise. We are in a state where we have let it all for the society to decide. I mean we have given our freedom to the people and we live in a bubble where if they lose balance we disappear. For how long can we let people define us? ( oops i asked another).

We have renounced the power that has been vested upon us to make choices and decisions and this is detrimental i mean, taking a basic move. We have had people reflect the end result for us. Basically choose and decide for us. Worse even, have us behave in the way they see fit. Society has poisoned how we view friends, who they should be in our lives and how we should treat them. Just as anyone else, your friend can be low. They can say no to you and they can go for days without reaching out. Not because they dont care but because they are human. They need space, they need to recollect and they need to let out what is inside. That is the basic cycle of life and we ought to respect the paths we take and the ones our friends take because they are not any different from us.

Well, that aside, at no moment a friend should take advantage of their relation. As much as love is concerned, friendship can be toxic as compared to love. People can go out of their human nature and be the villains that we never thought of. We have friends who get jealous or even get to a point of harm just because change has been detected. Diversely, the same friends will abandon you at a point of need and again...dont we call it life? The different courses..or what is the better word? Betrayal, backstabbing and hatred may have began with friendship before it got to other ventures. Come to think of it. I may lack facts or even proof but this is my mind entangling the twists.

We have had friends who have trusted us with their lives, we have those who have lifted us from the dust, raised us from the ruins and those who introduced us to their families. Talk of those who shouted our names in rooms full of opportunities. Yes the names that are popping in your tabs. Now, get to imagine the pain they will go through if you contributed to their downfall. The expression of disappointment and the hurt that they will endure when they learn you are the one who is willing to pull the last trigger. Its not a new thing to say or even imagine but it has happened more often than we can count. As you take the podium to preach that your friends are liars, they dont listen nor trust you, are you a better friend? I promised not to ask more questions but lets answer that!

Until then…bis später👋🏾

Let them give you Assent.

Does it distrub you knowing someone is damaged because of you? Does is disturb you knowing someone is an emotional wreck because of you? Does it haunt you knowing she can’t sleep because of what you did? Do the episodes play back as they do in her life? Does it? Do they? Before you tell me to slow down, maybe get to stop asking questions, give it a quick thought. How does it feel to be ripped, broken and vulnerable? You can’t relate because you are not any of those. Maybe you don’t know where you fall. Well that sounds harsh but do you really know this? Do you know of how diminishing it can be whenever you have a cloud above you? I will let you answer that.
A man will cower if a fellow man touched him in a way they feel is inappropriate. He will feel all sorts of things ranging from disgust to a level of question, why did he do that or what did he see in me? Now play that forward. What if he had you down? Get to do things without consent basically without your approval how would it feel? ..would want you to answer that too.
Women have been victimized in numerous ways. Before you call me a feminist hold right there. Ask me where are we headed? What am i talking about? I think we are now sailing together. Just because no one talked about it that does not mean its not there. You will be protective of those close to you but be a devil in someone’s life. On the front line asking society to help stop defilement but on the dark corners you are pinning small girls. You are taking away their innocence. You are sodomizing that small boy. Killing the confidence in him. The plight of him being a man. Well you may not be the one doing all this but you may know of someone. After a few rounds of shots they will say how they are untouchable. Talk of the nasty they have done but do you ask yourself how or while the fun lasts why care?
We should stop normalizing covering for our friends who dim the light of others. We should walk the talk and we should have second thoughts on the take of our desires. I know a lot of people have hosted issues associated with rape and the culture surrounding it but its about time we do what we display each day. Let people make choices that they are sure about. Before you quench your thirst let her approve that she wants to be your source.
Respect the woman close to you and the one who is not yours. That young girl may not have a voice to call you out but someday she can be loud enough. That small boy may feel ashamed to come forward but when the day of damage comes you won’t know where it hurts from. Its us to stop the demons of defilement. Its not a norm and we should never let it be. It can be what we choose it to be. Lets give room for the right thing/s!

#stoprapeKe #MentalHealthAwareness.

Chat stories

My name is Diana.
I love sunrises, sunsets, stars and the moon.
¾ of my gallery is occupied with such pictures.
I am at my friend’s place, Kisus.
KIMMIE: Dee are you ready? They will be picking us in 15 minutes!
Kimmie calls excitedly from the bathroom mirror where she is doing her make up.
DIANA: Am ready when you are ready.
I don’t need to do anything really. I am a nerd, my life sounds boring and weird, I don’t do make up ( because I don’t know how to), I keep short hair,, I wear sweat pants and t-shirts most times.
KIMMIE: Girl! Look at you, you haven’t done your make up yet and they will be here anytime soon.
DIANA: uuhm, am okay, I don’t need to do make up really tonight.
KIMMIE: The theme tonight is black and denim, did you bring any party dresses or should I get you one?
DIANA: I have a denim jacket,, my pants and tee are black so I think I’ll just fit in.
KIMMIE: Diana get serious, no offense, you looking okay but it’s the GENERATION BAND performing tonight! There will be lots of people at AJ ‘s tonight, you need to look a little girly just for me pleeease*
Kimmie is my childhood friend and I decided to visit her after she moved to Kisus. She knows I have always been a tomboy but this girl is so persuasive I can’t always say NO to her. I let her do my eye make-up and lipstick on condition that I don’t wear a dress.
KIMMIE: Look at your girlish side poppin’ now. I wish you stopped hiding those curves in sweat pants.
DIANA: Lol, thanks Kim but you know am not wearing a dress tonight.
CLAUSE: Hey you! We should get going if at all Diana wants perfect pictures of the sunset before the GENERATION BAND arrive.
Clause and Chris are Kimmie’s friends. We are going to AJ’s together and they just came to pick us.
KIMMIE: You two look good. So are you excited about tonight?
CLAUSE & CHRIS: Thank you.
CLAUSE: Actually, I think the GENERTION BAND is overrated haha. What’s so good about them?
KIMMIE: Dude! Are you jealous? I actually saw on their IG, those men have been working out lately and Ben trimmed his beard.
CLAUSE: Told you Chris, these girls love the GENERATION BAND because of those men.
CHRIS: Diana say something, you’ve been so quite. Is it only the looks?
Truth is I have always loved the GENERATION BAND. I have a major crush on Ben, one of the band members since my adolescent years.
DIANA: Give them a chance, listen to their lyrics without taking in the fact that they are hot and make your girls go crazy,,, you will love the band. Their music is amazing for sure.
CHRIS: Uh ok. I’ll give you my feedback after tonight.
They argue about who is better and stuff on our way to AJ’s. Am quiet most of the time but thank God it doesn’t take long before we get there.
I take my camera and we head to AJ’s backyard. The scenery is awesome and breathtaking.
There are a few people already there just chilling. The band goes live in one and half hours and that’s more than enough time for me to get enough pictures.
Kimmie, Clause and Chris let me take a few pictures of them and with them.
After a few minutes,, the sun is setting already but I have enough pictures.
People start flocking in and we have to get in to book our seats.
Kimmie is the complete opposite of me and that’s fine. She is popular and outgoing. She is able to fit in in any crowd without effort. I know she’s had a crush on Ben too because she talks about it all the time. I never let anyone know who I like and what’s going on in my life except my diary.
KIMMIE: Come sit at the high table Dee, that way you will be able to capture the best memories when they start singing.
I sit next to Kimmie just on time as they get on stage.
Did I mention I am a terrible singer? I swear I am but I know the lyrics word by word.
DIANA: Whoooah
I mistakenly sigh aloud the moment I see them. Everyone looks my may and somehow I manage to hide my face under the counter for a few minutes before they drift back their attention to the band.
KIMMIE: Dee what was that?
DIANA: Am sorry,,, I …. I didn’t mean to.
I know I am a nerd but this was uncalled for.
People sing along to their music but although I know the lyrics word by word,,, I can’t open my mouth because I am terrible.
KIMMIE: You haven’t taken any photos Dee, are you okay?
DIANA: I.. I… uuumh I got distracted am sorry.
KIMMIE: Why are you sorry about everything tonight? You acting weird Diana
I know I am weird but right now I can’t think straight. I take my camera I focus the lens especially on Ben…
KIMMIE: DIANA! What do we call that?
Kim calls me just right before I sink into my silly thoughts. Apparently I focused on Ben more than I should have without clicking. I could see the Abs clearly under his hugging Tee.. I have several photos of him shirtless from IG and he is just so close to me right now I wanna touch him.
The moment Kimmie called me, I clicked without second thoughts and fortunately I just had a PERFECT SHOT of Ben. Taking a closer glance, I realized Ben was looking at ME winking and smiling when I shot it.
I have a perfect idea.
DIANA: Hey Brian, how much for an A1 print out?
Brian is a professional photographer, he prints all my pictures of Ben. He is the only one who knows I got several pictures of Ben because he has been printing them for the last 4 years.
BRIAN: Lady Dee ( I have not seen Ben upload any photo really today that you’d need an A1 board,,, It’s Ksh 8,000 though.
DIANA: Okay am sending you the money and the photo tonight, I want it ready by Monday.
BRIAN: Okay Ma’am, I already want to know what photo that is.
I snub Brian’s message. I didn’t realize my camera was on the table allowing every interested being take a glance at the photo I shot.
KIMMIE: Dee, am sorry I read your diary, I know you like Ben… do you want me to write him a note just in case?
DIANA: You are not mad I have a crush on Ben?
Am not even mad Kim read my diary,, am trying to make sure she is sincere she is not mad.
When we were young, we promised one another never to crush on the same guy. I think I liked Ben first but just didn’t tell Kim. I broke our sister code for crushing on him silently.
KIMMIE: I am not mad sis, I have seen the way to look at him tonight, I saw his posters all over your bedroom on our last video call, the way he made you act awkward tonight lol.
She pulls me into a tight hug and whispers something I don’t hear.
KIMMIE: This is your chance just say it Dee.
I see the MC approaching us with the microphone. It hits me Kimmie had called him and whispered what I have to say but didn’t hear it.
I don’t want to embarrass myself anymore tonight and I do the least expected… I run out. I can hear people laughing and booing but I don’t care. I need to get out of this place before I say something I will forever regret.
I sit at AJ’s backyard once again. This time staring at the moon.
I take my camera and try getting a nice picture in vain. I scroll to Ben’s photo, the one I took when they were performing.
My eyes are glued to it for what seems like forever. I plug in my headphones and start listening to their music.
Before I realize, I am singing out loud in my terrible voice. For a minute I imagine am alone in my room doing what I always do,,, (singing along and doing what in my mind seems like dancing,,, am terrible at it too)
I stumble on something but some strong arm grabs me by the shoulder before I can fall.
GUY: Hey you, be careful.
I pause my music before I turn to see whoever my life saver was.
Once again. I made I scene tonight, I was making noise (singing aloud) and that attracted their attention. I can hear people talking behind me, I know there are tens of people around, I can feel it but I don’t want to see them.
GUY: Wow! That’s impressive. I launched that song one day ago and I didn’t expect anyone out here to know the lyrics that well.
Tell me am dreaming. I know this voice, I cannot mistaken it with anyone’s. It should be BEN but there is no way Ben would even talk to me let alone recognize me.
He is still holding me by my shoulder, I can take in the smell of his cologne.
DIANA: sorry
I say as I turn around. The first person I see in the crowd is Kimmie. She holds out my camera and smiles my direction mumbling the words “perfect” as she gestures towards the camera. I can see she has taken a picture of me and Ben! This is a dream come true and am no longer embarrassed about what happened tonight. I smile back at Kimmie. I love this girl, I always have and will never hide my secrets from her.
BEN: Seriously why are you sorry?
BEN: I am sincerely impressed.
DIANA: Uhhmm thanks.
BEN: We spending two days in town, do you mind if I buy you a drink tonight? I’d love to know how you crammed them lyrics in a day lol.
DIANA: uhhmm
BEN: It’s okay if you don’t want to…
DIANA: NO, YES. I mean yes I’d love to buy you the world,,, I mean drinks tonight and always. Uh sorry, the answer to your question is yes.
KIMMIE: Hey Dork, you will need this camera and spare keys.
Kimmie hands them to me and winks making this silly face I have seen several times before when she is about to sin intentionally.
For the first time tonight, am not embarrassed about making a fool of me. Ben leads me from the backyard and I can’t wait to experience what the rest of the night has in store for US(Me).

Fixation I

You swore to your ancestors that love or life would not change you but sure damn it did. It broke you to a cold and ruthless being you can be to matters love and appreciation. Life took a turnover and so did you. I’m not certain that you will notice this but society can and people can but none is to fix you. You hid in smiles that shouted pain but painting the perfect picture was easy because you had a specialization in that. You struggled to help even when you needed help but no one noticed because we are fond of gaining than giving back to the hands that once fed us. To the people that rooted for us in one way or another. Yet again society won and self lost. All this points back to love, the thing, word or feeling that makes us vulnerable.
Not born of a disorder but you got one. Not diagnosed of any disease but you have one. Not prescribed to any medication but you taking some. The things that we once embraced did change us. They made us sick. They have made us slaves of pain and low life. Lovers of depression and all the worse things that life can bring forth because we are not able to fix the broken vessels within. Even when life gives the best we still cannot see the good in it.
From toxic families that we held on too much in the name of love. The friends that drained your pockets and emotions. The lovers you met in the course of life. The strangers that made you feel appreciated for all the wrong or good reasons. For all the bottles you emptied to feel better yet you didn’t. You did this to feel you belong. To assume that you had it all figured but the hit was not hard enough. Nothing is clear when the emotions and feels are on battle. Nothing makes sense when we try enough and yet we wake up on the same square that we slept in. Its then we realize we have had enough. We can’t fix anything. We just can’t blossom if we are in the same domain.
The alteration that we need comes from within. The life we deserve comes when we are ready to leave. The fixing that we need comes when the urge and the willingness to let go draws in. The happiness we need knocks when we let ourselves make decisions and not how we feel. We clear toxicity when we are simply ready to detox. Let not society fix you. Let life define the steps but take control.

#MentalHealthAwareness #stayhomeStaysafe.